The holiday is finished

(Photo of Bill and the little tree he decorated before I got home. We usually have a big tree with lots of European decorations on it.)





Thanks to Bill's efforts, Christmas did exist in my house this year, though in a much smaller and colder fashion than we normally have.

After arriving home from the airport on Christmas eve morning, I found only a trace of snow on the ground. Inside, my very smallest tree stood atop an end table with decorations and a few packages around it. The fridge had food for Christmas day. I went to bed for a few hours and got up to speak on the phone with a friend having a very sad Christmas because of a marriage gone nuts. As I spoke with her, I noticed the house getting colder and colder. Bill came up to me to inform me that the tank in the basement was totally empty! Christmas eve, 300 feet from my oil man's truck, and the tank is empty. Another fallout from my snow delay. Knowing it is probably hopeless, I call the cell phone and leave a message. We spend the evening feeding the fireplace and curling up under the covers. Fortunately, it is not below freezing outside.

At 1030 Christmas morning, my oil man Herr Wilhelm, calls to say "I come 5 minutes or never!"

Of course, we welcome him with open arms and profuse thanks and a few hours later the house is cozy again.

Christmas and New Year's were amazingly quiet this year. We were tired and just happy to read, eat and sleep. We stay up late and get up late. We wonder if this is what it will be like to be retired. We stay in our pajamas for two days and go nowhere. Bill had bought me Amazon's electronic book called Kindle and, though in love with real books, I take such a liking to it that I read one whole (free!) book on Christmas day. Bill has to travel to England for four days on business before New Year's and arrives home late and exhausted on the eve , another reminder of why we want to retire. Two airplanes, three cars, 1100 kilometers in four days takes a toll.

After New Year's, I marvel at the fact that I buy Andre Agassi's book "Open" through the computer and it drops magically into the Kindle in about 35 seconds from "one-click buy." As I take root on the couch again for hours and hours, I remind Bill that he is the one who bought it for me. He doesn't care. He is asleep in the recliner, recovering from his whirlwind tour of England.

Finally, on Saturday, we remove all signs of the little Christmas, pack it up and start working on my retirement papers. I've stalled on this long enough and dread the process immensely. I feel totally unprepared but grateful that Bill has gone through the process and mailed his forms a couple of weeks ago so he is coaching me through it all the way. When finished, I feel relieved but still wish I could just fast forward to the new house and be planted in one place, no longer in limbo.

I have not set foot in the office since arriving home except for a brief 30 minutes. More importantly, I haven't wanted to. Mentally, I have almost cut the cord completely, but remain still attached to it through obligation. I hope that once I've landed on the other side I will be able to move forward with some determination, no longer in limbo with one foot in each world. I have come full circle. Seventeen years ago, first arrived in Germany,I described myself in the same way and, as time went on, began to feel my worlds slidely slowly apart, pulling me away from the country I will now return to for good.